Saturday, November 10, 2012

Never give up...never, never give up

I got my score yesterday for the FAR section. I didn't pass.  I felt like somebody had kicked me in my gut.  I had to hide to have my cry.  Then I got mad.  I gave up so much time to study for that section.  While others were enjoying life, I was strapped to a book.  I even had to juggle studying and taking care of Mom after her surgery.  (I do not regret my decision to take care of my mother.)  You'd think God would give me points for that and help me pass.  Then Hurricane Isaac made me reschedule.  It shook my mental game.  It would've been nice if God had given me points for enduring that as well.  The timing of the score release sucked since I take the AUD section today at 1:30pm.  My mind is playing tricks on me.  One minute I'm sad/mad about the whole situation.  The next I'm determined to not let this knock me down.  You only fail when you quit, right?  Then I think of how arrogant and disrespectful to God I've been with my thoughts.  He doesn't owe me anything.  The only thing hurt here is my pride.  Until now I've never really failed anything.  I've always passed.  Humility sucks and yet I feel better since this has happened. The pressure of "being perfect", "#1 in all that you do", and any of the other warped thoughts I learned from Dad's "helping" during my school days has been released. (Disclaimer: Dad did not intentionally mean to warp my thought process.  He just wanted the best for me and pushed me harder to achieve.)  The worse thing that could have happen during these exams was that I not pass.  Well it happened and I'm still standing.  There wasn't a crowd of people laughing and mocking me.  Nobody threw rocks at my car.  A huge neon arrow attached to a sign that read "She didn't pass so that makes her 2nd rate. Avoid any contact with her" did not magically appear over my head.  I didn't lose anything of value...even though the test wasn't cheap.)  However, I did receive compassion and encouragement from family and friends.  None of them suggested that I give up.  In fact they were adamant that I keep going.  (Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.)  So today is a new day.  God is still with me encouraging me to go on.  Today I pull myself up, knock the dirt off my pants and try again.