During the planning of this wedding, many people told me that something would go wrong. I heard stories of lost bridesmaids dresses or tuxes, cake disasters, lost or dropped rings and even a best man being attacked by bees days before the wedding. All of these are bad and I wouldn't ever want that stress on a bride or groom. However, all of that pales in comparison to what happened to me.
- No names have been changed to protect the innocent.
- This is a true story.
- I couldn't have made this up if I wanted to.
Everyone says that you need a good night's sleep before your wedding day. I couldn't sleep due to excitement so I go ahead and get up to take a shower. The plan was to shower, get dressed, go pick up some last minute things at Walmart and then pick up my entourage to head to the salon to get our hair done. However some plans are never achieved and today's plan fell into that category.
After showering I go to open my bathroom door to finish getting ready and hear an awful noise from the doorknob. The doorknob has malfunctioned and won't open. It just spins round and round and round and round....like a carousel from hell. Nothing I can do will make this doorknob work. It's my wedding day...a day that I have waited forever to happen and I'm standing in my PJs with a wet head of hair stuck in my bathroom. I become hysterical and almost have a panic attack. I force myself to calm down and start to think of how I can get out.
How in the world am I going to get out of here? I've waited far too long to be Tate's wife for some stupid bathroom door to get in my way. I pray for the strength of Samson to rip the door off the hinges. I jerk on the door with all I've got. All I've got was the strength of Barney Fife. What would MacGyver do? Heck, what would Mary Sue do? I find nothing in my bathroom that MacGyver/Mary Sue could use to get me out of this trap. So I start clawing at the door trim. It'll budge some but won't give enough for me to rip it off the wall. I claw until the tips of my fingers are red and sore. I go from having an ugly cry one moment to laughing at the absurdity of the situation the next. Finally I just give up and pray. "Father, You said that You were in control of this day. You said that everything would be alright and I'd become Tate's wife today. I don't exactly see how that will be accomplished if I'm stuck in this bathroom. Please tell me what You want me to do." His answer was scream like a banshee.
I start screaming "Help! Call 911. I'm stuck in the bathroom. It's Apt #." I bang on the interior walls with everything that I have. My throat is getting sore. I fear that I won't be able to say "I do" and will just have to nod "yes" at the wedding. I scream and bang on the walls for over an hour. I don't get any responses from my neighbors. I can hear my alarm on my cell phone go off in the other room as well as each text message that's coming in. I'm confident that one of my entourage will send out a search party when I don't show up to pick them up. (I'm also confident that if we're late I'll be the only one getting their hair done because those girls will just have to fend for themselves. Ha Ha) As I give my voice a break from screaming, I hear a wonderful sound. It's water running through pipes. Praise God somebody has gotten up to go to the bathroom! I jump up and start yelling and banging the walls with all that I have. Shortly afterward I hear a voice at my front door, "Honey, I've called 911 but they are just taking their sweet time to come help you."
It seemed to take the police forever to get to my apartment but I finally hear a knock on my door and "Ma'am are you alone?". At the time I answered "Yes" respectively. Once they get a key to the apartment and pop the chain off the hinge, they arrive at the bathroom door and ask me again if I'm alone. Once again I answer yes. After telling this story numerous times, I scratch my head and think of so many sarcastic replies to that question. "Were you at the top of your class?" "Nope, I'm in here with all the many personalities that have developed in my head in the past hour." "Nope, I enjoy screaming and banging the walls early on a Saturday morning." "Nope. I was timing the 911 system and SPD response time." "Nope. I always wanted to be like Harry Houdini and this was the closest that I could get in trying to become an escape artist." You get my point.
I inform the officers the importance of the day and my dilemma. They try to reassure me that all will be well soon and to just stay calm. The SPD officer tries to use the bathroom doorknob and informs me that it doesn't work. The lady in me was thinking, "Thank you Captain Obvious" while my inner Jack was thinking of a phrase that mentioned Sherlock. I hear the officer try to ram the door with their shoulder. Doesn't work. They bang on it awhile. Doesn't open. Then I hear the lovely sound of a screwdriver working on the doorknob. When the last screw is unattached and they take off the doorknob, the entire workings inside explode all over the floor. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!
I'm asked if I need the fire department to come and check me out. I shake my head no. One officer tried to keep my spirits up by saying, "Well it can only get better from here." The other officer says "Or it's a sign to not to go through with the wedding." I take their names and thank them for their help. (I know I had sarcastic comments earlier about them but my mind was not in a good place. They were doing their job as they were trained and I am truly appreciative of their help.) I'm sure they had a good chuckle when they got in their car but they were kind enough not to do it in front of me, unlike some of my friends and family. You know who you are!
I called Danyelle and started the conversation with, "You ain't going to believe this." She was dumbfounded at first and I repeated the story. Then I heard the first suppressed chuckle of the day. She texts Lana with "Heather had a mishap in the bathroom." Lana thinks that I've fallen and hurt myself or that my nerves have caused my stomach to revolt. When she is told the truth, her laughter fills my car. It was an interesting ride to the salon. We were to be there at 8 am. Out of respect, I had sent a text to my beautician to let her know the situation and that we may be a little late. I came in on two wheels to the salon at 8:02 am. Kendra cheerily greeted me and asked how the lovely bride is doing on this exciting day. She hadn't read my text. I get to tell the "Great Bathroom Saga" again and once again I am met with laughter. As the story gets circulated throughout the day, laughter is shared among the masses. I know that people are not laughing AT me but AT the situation. No one has EVER heard of this happening to a bride on their wedding day before.
My emotions had gone through such a roller coaster that by the time I reach the salon I don't care about anything. My dress could have fallen off the hanger and been a wrinkled mess. I don't care. I'm out of the bathroom. My nieces could have epic meltdowns. I don't care. I'm not trapped in the bathroom. The church could have a/c problems or lose electricity. Once again, I don't care because I'm not stuck in the bathroom anymore. A meteorite could be headed straight to our location while a zombie apocalypse begins to ravage the city and I'd be in my wedding dress sitting in a bean bag chair eating Cheetos while thinking, "You know...today is a good day. Why? Because I'm not locked in the damn bathroom."
Even with the fiasco that morning, our wedding was a fun, unbelievable, beyond anything we could imagine day filled with love and laughter. I will cherish the memory forever. I will also never go into a bathroom without a cell phone again. I thought that was a great plan but my wise 10 yr old niece pointed out one flaw. Make sure the cell phone is charged because a dying or dead cell phone would suck. (Thanks for looking out for me Peyton!)
So if you're ever around a bride that is about to completely lose it with worry about the little things or thousands of "what ifs" have ravaged her brain, feel free to tell her my story. Hopefully it'll make her smile or even laugh but more importantly it will show her that everything will work out and to just embrace the day and enjoy every moment. But if she has a competitive side and wants to top my story...Bring it Sister! I dare you!
It seemed to take the police forever to get to my apartment but I finally hear a knock on my door and "Ma'am are you alone?". At the time I answered "Yes" respectively. Once they get a key to the apartment and pop the chain off the hinge, they arrive at the bathroom door and ask me again if I'm alone. Once again I answer yes. After telling this story numerous times, I scratch my head and think of so many sarcastic replies to that question. "Were you at the top of your class?" "Nope, I'm in here with all the many personalities that have developed in my head in the past hour." "Nope, I enjoy screaming and banging the walls early on a Saturday morning." "Nope. I was timing the 911 system and SPD response time." "Nope. I always wanted to be like Harry Houdini and this was the closest that I could get in trying to become an escape artist." You get my point.
I inform the officers the importance of the day and my dilemma. They try to reassure me that all will be well soon and to just stay calm. The SPD officer tries to use the bathroom doorknob and informs me that it doesn't work. The lady in me was thinking, "Thank you Captain Obvious" while my inner Jack was thinking of a phrase that mentioned Sherlock. I hear the officer try to ram the door with their shoulder. Doesn't work. They bang on it awhile. Doesn't open. Then I hear the lovely sound of a screwdriver working on the doorknob. When the last screw is unattached and they take off the doorknob, the entire workings inside explode all over the floor. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!
I'm asked if I need the fire department to come and check me out. I shake my head no. One officer tried to keep my spirits up by saying, "Well it can only get better from here." The other officer says "Or it's a sign to not to go through with the wedding." I take their names and thank them for their help. (I know I had sarcastic comments earlier about them but my mind was not in a good place. They were doing their job as they were trained and I am truly appreciative of their help.) I'm sure they had a good chuckle when they got in their car but they were kind enough not to do it in front of me, unlike some of my friends and family. You know who you are!
I called Danyelle and started the conversation with, "You ain't going to believe this." She was dumbfounded at first and I repeated the story. Then I heard the first suppressed chuckle of the day. She texts Lana with "Heather had a mishap in the bathroom." Lana thinks that I've fallen and hurt myself or that my nerves have caused my stomach to revolt. When she is told the truth, her laughter fills my car. It was an interesting ride to the salon. We were to be there at 8 am. Out of respect, I had sent a text to my beautician to let her know the situation and that we may be a little late. I came in on two wheels to the salon at 8:02 am. Kendra cheerily greeted me and asked how the lovely bride is doing on this exciting day. She hadn't read my text. I get to tell the "Great Bathroom Saga" again and once again I am met with laughter. As the story gets circulated throughout the day, laughter is shared among the masses. I know that people are not laughing AT me but AT the situation. No one has EVER heard of this happening to a bride on their wedding day before.
My emotions had gone through such a roller coaster that by the time I reach the salon I don't care about anything. My dress could have fallen off the hanger and been a wrinkled mess. I don't care. I'm out of the bathroom. My nieces could have epic meltdowns. I don't care. I'm not trapped in the bathroom. The church could have a/c problems or lose electricity. Once again, I don't care because I'm not stuck in the bathroom anymore. A meteorite could be headed straight to our location while a zombie apocalypse begins to ravage the city and I'd be in my wedding dress sitting in a bean bag chair eating Cheetos while thinking, "You know...today is a good day. Why? Because I'm not locked in the damn bathroom."
Even with the fiasco that morning, our wedding was a fun, unbelievable, beyond anything we could imagine day filled with love and laughter. I will cherish the memory forever. I will also never go into a bathroom without a cell phone again. I thought that was a great plan but my wise 10 yr old niece pointed out one flaw. Make sure the cell phone is charged because a dying or dead cell phone would suck. (Thanks for looking out for me Peyton!)
So if you're ever around a bride that is about to completely lose it with worry about the little things or thousands of "what ifs" have ravaged her brain, feel free to tell her my story. Hopefully it'll make her smile or even laugh but more importantly it will show her that everything will work out and to just embrace the day and enjoy every moment. But if she has a competitive side and wants to top my story...Bring it Sister! I dare you!
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