Bird Poop & The Flat

Dad was put into ICU on Friday, May 16th.  My days have been filled with hospital visits.  My mind has been filled with fear, anger and worry.  Tate knew I needed to get away to relax so he coaxed me to go fishing off a friend's pier.  His plan worked.  As we were leaving and discussing supper options, I hear Tate say, "Crap!"  A bird had pooped on his head.  I couldn't help but laugh.  I even got the giggles.  He tells me, "It's good to see you smile and hear you laugh.  Wish it didn't take a bird crapping on my head for it to happen but whatever it takes."  (Now that's self sacrificing love right there!)  So before we could go grab a bite to eat, Tate needed to wash his hair.  Originally we were going to head to Bossier for Newk's but as we got in the truck, Tate suggested Wendy's since it was closer to home.  "I can be good and get a salad" he said.  As we get closer to our destination, we start to debate between Wendy's and Whataburger.  "Just because I'm turning into Wendy's doesn't mean we have to stop.  We can go on to Whataburger."  Just as those words come out of Tate's mouth we turn the corner and see a Mom with her two teenage daughters trying to change a flat in the Wendy's parking lot.  We look at each other and smile because we both know Tate isn't going to leave without helping.  He says, "Apparently God wants us to eat at Wendy's."

As Tate is helping the eldest daughter change the tire, I get to talk with the Mom, Kim.  They were headed back to West Monroe from College Station TX after a ballgame.  They normally go to Dairy Queen when they're on the road but decided to go to Wendy's "to be good" with their food choices.  (Isn't that what Tate had said earlier?)  They had hoped to be home by now but were running behind.  (I wonder if God allowed the bird episode to happen so that we would be there at exactly the right time.)  Her husband couldn't go this trip but had provided them with a 2 ton jack and showed them what to do in case of a flat.  Tate went to work but he couldn't get the height he needed so he brought out his jack thinking it would help.  No such luck.  So he found the jack that came with the Rav4 and was able to change the tire.  The ladies had no clue on how to use that particular jack so they were watching closely to be prepared if it ever happened again.  Kim tried to buy our supper but Tate refused profusely.  "I pray that if Heather or my mom were in the same situation, a kind stranger would do the same for them.  All I ask is that you pay it forward some day."

As we drive home I remember the evening's events and see how God has orchestrated the entire thing.  He knew those ladies were going to be running late getting home and were going to have a flat tire in a Wendy's parking lot and He needed somebody there to help.  He knew I needed to relax and laugh so that I could get my focus off worrying.  So He allowed a bird to do an unpleasant deed to give me the giggles and to slow us down in getting supper so that we would arrive when the ladies needed help.  He made Tate to think of staying closer to home and "being good" with his food choices by going to Wendy's.  He made the ladies choose to "be good" by going to Wendy's instead of going to their normal route to Dairy Queen.  Even though Kim's husband provided her with a jack, God knew it wouldn't do the job so He sent Tate to show them what to do next time.  Now all of us have another testimony of how God's timing is perfect and how He provides in mysterious ways.

Defeated or Victorious?

I'm being bombarded.

For the past few weeks but especially the past few days God has been chiseling on His pot (me).  He talks to me through prayer, through His word, through Lysa TerKeurst books/blogs, through K-love and through friends.  This pruning hurts.  But I know it must be done.  So I accept it and work through the pain to make the changes that I need to.  It's hard.  Especially when you are a fixer.  (I was in middle school when Dad left and that's when I became a fixer AND a control freak.  The life I knew was spiraling out of control and for whatever reason I felt that I had to do everything in my power to stop it.  Where there was tension, worry, fear or problems, I had to fix the situation so that life would be "normal" again.  I've done it for so long that I will even take on other people's problems...that aren't even mine to fix...whether they ask or not...and I will spend/waste time and energy on trying to fix it.  Then if that person doesn't heed my instruction I get mad.  How dumb is that?!  Just one more area in my character/personality that God is working on...AGAIN.)  But I've always been told that God knows what's best for me.  He knows that what I need is not always what I want.  And that my "wants" are just cheap trinkets compared to what God has in store for me.  I need to quit wanting to be in control and submit to His will for my life.

On the flip side, Satan has raised his nasty head and I feel under attack.  Since I've decided to allow God to change me and I'm working diligently on those areas He wants me to address, Satan makes sure that I run into situations or people that will challenge that growth.  He wants me to fail.  He knows I am hot headed.  He knows I'm a fixer.  He knows I lack self control over my tongue.  And he is using each weakness to cause me to stumble.  He constantly reminds of my failures.  I have ruined my witness many a time with my words or actions.  Sometimes it was due to anger.  Other times it was because I was trying to "fix" the situation.  Either I would lash out at an individual to "put them in their place" since I just knew their actions were the root of all the problems. (How arrogant of me!)  Or I would use racy humor or language to accomplish the task of easing tension or lift moods.  Just recently I've come to find out just what the cost of my lack of self control over my mouth has done to others.  My heart hurts just thinking about it.

I was feeling defeated.  I wondered why God would want to use someone like me.  I make wrong choices.  I fail to model my life after Christ causing people to call me a hypocrite.  While I was wallowing in this pit of shame and guilt, God reminded me of the spiritual battle that is going on.

Ephesians 6 New International Version (NIV)

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Satan is alive and well.  1 Peter 5:8 says "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." He will use whatever is needed to make a Christian fail to be an example of Christ.  The more guilt, shame and defeat he can cause to a Christian, the more likely that Christian will give up the fight.  Then there's one less Christian out there trying to win others to Christ.  In times like these I must decide whether I'm going to give up or stand back up, dust myself off and try again.  I've read the Bible.  I know how the story ends.  God is victorious and Satan is defeated.  So on this day I choose to not give up.  On this day I will put on the full armor of God and stand against Satan and his schemes. On this day I resolve to not be a hypocrite.  On this day I will ask for strength, guidance and self control over my words and actions so that I may be a shining example of Christ.

Never give up...never, never give up

I got my score yesterday for the FAR section. I didn't pass.  I felt like somebody had kicked me in my gut.  I had to hide to have my cry.  Then I got mad.  I gave up so much time to study for that section.  While others were enjoying life, I was strapped to a book.  I even had to juggle studying and taking care of Mom after her surgery.  (I do not regret my decision to take care of my mother.)  You'd think God would give me points for that and help me pass.  Then Hurricane Isaac made me reschedule.  It shook my mental game.  It would've been nice if God had given me points for enduring that as well.  The timing of the score release sucked since I take the AUD section today at 1:30pm.  My mind is playing tricks on me.  One minute I'm sad/mad about the whole situation.  The next I'm determined to not let this knock me down.  You only fail when you quit, right?  Then I think of how arrogant and disrespectful to God I've been with my thoughts.  He doesn't owe me anything.  The only thing hurt here is my pride.  Until now I've never really failed anything.  I've always passed.  Humility sucks and yet I feel better since this has happened. The pressure of "being perfect", "#1 in all that you do", and any of the other warped thoughts I learned from Dad's "helping" during my school days has been released. (Disclaimer: Dad did not intentionally mean to warp my thought process.  He just wanted the best for me and pushed me harder to achieve.)  The worse thing that could have happen during these exams was that I not pass.  Well it happened and I'm still standing.  There wasn't a crowd of people laughing and mocking me.  Nobody threw rocks at my car.  A huge neon arrow attached to a sign that read "She didn't pass so that makes her 2nd rate. Avoid any contact with her" did not magically appear over my head.  I didn't lose anything of value...even though the test wasn't cheap.)  However, I did receive compassion and encouragement from family and friends.  None of them suggested that I give up.  In fact they were adamant that I keep going.  (Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.)  So today is a new day.  God is still with me encouraging me to go on.  Today I pull myself up, knock the dirt off my pants and try again. 

Glad that's over

My thoughts about the test. You know that blindfolded guy who throws knives at the woman strapped on the wheel. Sometimes I felt like the guy and other times I was the woman. A few times I felt like the wheel and desperately wanting it to stop spinning. Praying I did well enough so I never have to do that section again

Early mornings, Exercise & Me..Not a good combo

I've been wanting to make better life choices and getting healthy was in the top 3.  Last week I started going to the gym before work.  I'm not a morning person so getting up instead of rolling over when the alarm clock sounded was a victory in itself.  This morning I rolled over.  When the alarm clock across the room went off, I jumped up, threw on my gym clothes and off to the gym I went. 

Due to time constraints, I skipped the weights and concentrated on cardio.  I was almost done on the treadmill when I looked out the window near the corner of the gym. I didn't see my car. Just a cop car where my car should be. My stomach dropped. I'm straining my neck and all I see is a cop car. I don't remember there being two parked in the parking lot. So I hop off the treadmill immediately. My mind is racing.

• why did this have to happen while Tate's gone
• what all was in my car
• what new vehicle do I want
• what a way to start a Monday

Hurriedly I wipe down the machine and grab my keys. As I get closer to the door, I see that I was very foolish. What I thought was a window showing a cop car was actually the mirror's reflection of the one cop car I had seen parked earlier. As I head out the door, there sat my car...all safe and sound.

They say that exercise is good for you. They say that it's better for you if you do it in the morning. That may be true for morning people but for those of us who would rather sleep later, events like the above have the ability to cause heart attacks. What good is that exercise then, hmmmmm?

I can laugh now. 30 minutes ago I could not. Figured you needed a laugh too.

Enjoy your Monday.

And the music played on....

I've always been in love with music.  Grandma Smith said that we were descendants of Bach.  That must explain it.  I've heard that "music has charms that soothe a savage beast" but it's more powerful than that.  I've seen it calm a baby, excite a crowd, help people fall in love, bring back memories for others, help us say goodbye to loved ones and usher the presence of God into a worship service.  I've experienced it's power many times.  It's helped clear my head and concentrate while studying or writing papers in school.  For those of us who have a hard time dealing with or showing emotion, it's the perfect outlet for all those feelings we bottle up inside.

It was on a child's organ that I figured out I could pick out melodies of songs, particularly commercials, on it.  My first "song","I'd like to teach the world to sing", was from the old Coca Cola commercial I heard all the time on TV.

Playing the piano at Grandma Smith's

Eventually Mom bought me an old player piano that had the player taken out.  I started piano lessons when I was in 4th or 5th grade.  I hated them.  I wanted to play music not learn dots on a page.  My mom had to set the oven timer to make sure I practiced.  Before my lessons, I had to wait on the girl before me.  She got to play the theme song from Young & the Restless and I was entranced.  THAT'S what I wanted to play.  Not this Twinkle Twinkle mess.  My teacher told me I couldn't because I was a beginner.  (Never tell a Tolbert they can't do something.)  "Ha! I'll show you!"  I got my old tape recorder and recorded the theme song off the TV and then I learned the melody.  When I had it memorized I played it as my warm up instead of what my teacher instructed me to play that day.  She wasn't happy but I didn't care.  I proved that this beginner could indeed play the forbidden song.  I believe it was then that she realized that teaching me to sight read was going to be harder than she thought.  Thankfully lessons with her only lasted 2 yrs.

Recital night in 4th or 5th grade

Piano was taught at the new Donnie Bickham Middle School (Yeah I know. I'm showing my age.) but I had a bad taste in my mouth from the last experience so I didn't take it.  Thankfully I changed my mind and took it for 2 yrs.  Mrs. Nelson was able to make me love playing the piano again.  Mom didn't have to set the oven timer anymore.  I even actually won awards at piano competitions.  That piano was a godsend.  My family was going through some tough times and I bottled up all my emotions.  The only way I could let them out was by "banging" on the piano.  Mom could tell my mood by what I would play or attempt to play.  I didn't have to see a shrink to get it out.  I just needed to play.  I had to leave it behind when my parents divorced and we moved to my grandparent's farm.  I tried lessons down there but it wasn't the same.  The piano playing bug had died...or so I thought.

Two weeks ago I went with Tate to Shreveport Music to pick up a wind screen for a church microphone.  While waiting on him, I sat on a drum set stool and listened to a couple talk to the piano guy about electronic pianos.  I began regretting that I gave up playing the piano.  An hour and a half later,  I have talked with the piano guy, gotten a history lesson on pianos, purchased a self teaching piano course book for adults and now know what I want for a graduation present.  The piano playing bug hadn't died.  It was just hibernating.

My new toy

Now it's time to teach the next generation the power of music.

Introducing Peyton to the piano

And the music played on...

Playing a tune for Aunt Heather

"When I say Whoa! I mean Whoa!"

There have been times in my life when it seems things or people just get in the way of my agenda and I get so frustrated because I can't mark an item off my to do list. But then I see God allowed for things or people to get my way so that I would slow down.  Sometimes it's to protect me.  Sometimes it's to teach me a lesson.  Sometimes it's to remind me that He is in control and that I should let go of my OCD and control freak tendencies and trust Him.  And sometimes...it's all of the above.

Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend.  We got back early so I decided to drop off my to-go cup of sweet tea and head to the bank and Hallmark.  I know I could have just sat and relaxed those last 10 minutes of lunch but I had a to-do list.  Anybody who really knows me, knows that I will not relax until my to do list is complete.  So since time is a commodity, I had to mark those two items off.  I got on the elevator on the 22nd floor.  A guy got on at the 17th floor.  We moved for a couple of seconds and then we stopped. And I mean stopped HARD.  Hmmm, this isn't normal.  I press the 13th floor button hoping to restart the elevator.  No such luck.  I buzz the guard to tell her we are stuck.  We were stuck for 15 minutes.  Good thing neither of us were claustrophobic.  Apparently other elevators were being worked on and our car's control switch got tripped.  They got the elevator going again.  Unfortunately it felt like we were on a six flags ride for a few floors. Another hard stop and then a six flags ride again.  (I'm all about saving money but I think I'd rather pay for a six flags ticket so I can choose which rides I get to ride.)  When those doors opened on the ground floor, I flew out.  I was super hot and my equilibrium was off.  It took about 20 minutes for me not to feel wobbly.  I've worked here for over 10 years and that was my first time to experience that.

I didn't want to run my errands anymore so I head back to my office. It wasn't until I got back to the office that I saw the bad weather coming.  Strong storms look even more eery and frightening when you work on the 22nd floor.  My coworker and I just stood and watched it for several minutes.  We watch as the dark, angry clouds roll in bringing with it a mini dust storm and impressive lightening show.  We can hear our windows creak and see them shake as the winds pick up speed and force.  I'm thinking to myself that as powerful as this storm is my God has complete control over it.  It was a comforting thought.  It was later when I was sitting at my desk that another thought occurs to me.  Had I not gotten stuck on that elevator I could have been returning from my errands and gotten caught outside during that storm.  The inconvenience of being stuck in an elevator was actually a blessing in disguise.  God was protecting me and I didn't even know it.

Because I often choose to complete my to-do list rather than sit and relax, I've been told to "stop and smell the roses", "enjoy the moment" or "with life, you need to focus on the journey not on the destination".  That line of thinking sounds good.  I just haven't learned how to apply it as well as others have.  Apparently this is a lesson that I really need to learn because God has made/allowed me to enter many situations that make me stop, put the to do list down, relax and put my total trust in Him.  After yesterday's incident and the realization that not only was God in control of everything but He also had my best interests at heart I couldn't help but think of Yosemite Sam on the horse hollering Whoa! Of course I'm the horse getting bopped on the head while God hollers "When I say Whoa! I mean Whoa!"  Apparently I can be hard headed.  I better learn this lesson soon because I can feel my head getting sore.


Image of Yosemite Sam - Whoa